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Too many times I find myself reflecting on my relationship with the word forgiveness. Wanting forgiveness from my creator is one thing, but wanting forgiveness in personal relationships or from friends, family and peers is another. I was taught to not forgive, at least indirectly. Growing up I would witness my mom distance herself from people who hurt her, but also distance herself from those she hurt, including us, her children. Was she creating a safe space for herself, or was she not being accountable for actions? I’d say both. She did what she assumed was best due to her circumstances, I guess. Funny how reflecting on this opened my eyes to how I used to think every time I hurt someone, unintentionally of course, I would assume they’d want to distance themselves from me, or I’d “do them the favor” and distance myself from them. To this day this, this is still somewhat my practice. For the most part, I’ve become aware it when it’s happening in real time. I can admit my perception of forgiveness is tainted, but I’m working hard to see the benefits of forgiving and seeking forgiveness. I say I’m working hard because I feel like me distancing myself instead of seeking forgiveness or forgiving has benefited me, not in a selfish way, but I believe it kept me away from people that may have impacted me negatively. At least that’s what I believe. Rereading the previous line; it does sound like an excuse but truth be told it’s not.

Looking back at my relationship with my father, and trying understanding forgiveness just make things even more confusing. Do I forgive someone who made a conscious effort to not be in my life? How would I forgive him if he never sought forgiveness? But looking at who I am due to him not being around. I came a long way but I can look in the mirror and feel happy about who I am personally and professionally. Considering my dad and his lifestyle, I don’t think I’d be who I am today if he was around. I should probably thank him for that instead of feeling a way about him not being around. I do have a workable relationship with him now. I owe it to my aunt Vanessa, rest in peace, who told me “no matter how badly you’re hurt by your father not being around, the only way things change is if you take the initiative to create the relationship you want with him”. It was kind of difficult to understand at the time, but I am grateful she said it.

My brother Papa and I haven’t spoken in 4 years over something minuscule, we’re so much alike I don’t know if we both want to seek forgiveness from one another or just continue to maintain distance. Let me back track, I can say I’m in a space where I no longer want there to be any distance between us but I also understand what was embedded in us “stay away from people who hurt you”, especially those who you were once close with. Our family doesn’t care much for family, because we pick and choose who we consider family, and for the most part we never really choose each other.

Staying present and processing emotions in real time, may be my way out of this closed-minded view of forgiveness. I may write a second piece on this because there’s so much to unpack. However, in the meantime, I will continue to openly speak about it.

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