An introduction into my world

My name is Bianca. I’m almost 32. I have right hemiparesis cerebral palsy, Dyscalculia and myofascial pain syndrome among many other medical conditions. As a child, I had huge dreams for myself but now I don’t really dream anymore. My life is comprised of so many struggles. All I’ve ever wanted was to be normal but I’ve never been normal enough.

Disability has a huge stigma attached to it and as a disabled woman I am seen as less than and to tell you the truth, sometimes I feel less than. Am I where I want to be? No. Am I where I thought I would be? No.

I know I’ve overcome a lot of things in my life but sometimes I just want to lead an ordinary life. I want to accomplish what I feel others have already accomplished. As a child, I wanted to be a lawyer. As a teenager I wanted to be special education lawyer. I wanted to help other children like myself, fight for an education that is rightfully ours. I fought to try to learn math in high school but wasn’t allowed to, as Dyscalculia isn’t taken seriously and it costs the school money to give children accommodations. Schools want nothing to do with spending money in order for learning disabled children to actually learn. Instead they blame the child for something that isn’t in their control. They tell them that they are lazy and stupid but the truth is a one size fits all education is lazy and stupid. We are not robots and we do not all learn the same.

I fought my way to college and then I fought my way through college. I graduated with the top 3% of my class but it took much longer for me to get my Bachelor’s than it does for others. Some days I’m proud of myself for accomplishing that, for earning a degree and sometimes I feel it isn’t enough. I guess, I feel inadequate. It doesn’t help that I’ve had people put me down most of my life. I’ve also had those who have helped me, who have cheered me on and those are the people I’ll never forget. I may forget exactly what they said or did but I’ll never forget the way they made me feel.

I guess, sometimes, we can’t truly see ourselves and need an outsider’s prospective. Though, we need a positive prospective. Sometimes, 1 positive prospective can out-way a thousand negative prospectives.

I wonder if those who belittled me did so because of their own inadequacies. I’ll never understand putting someone down to make one self feel better.

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